Kiera Rose

Patrick and I wanted to have a baby girl. Unfortunately, the results from the tests they ran after my miscarriage have come back inconclusive. There wasn't enough of a sample to see why my baby didn't survive. There also wasn't enough to determine the sex of the baby. My doctor said I probably passed most of it at home without knowing.

As soon as I became pregnant, we were hoping for a little girl. And we never decided on a boy name, only a girl name, Kiera Rose. Since we'll never know for sure, we are calling our baby Kiera. Kiera, a lovely Irish name. Rose, because she would have been as beautiful as a rose.

One of those days...

Sorry I haven't posted since Friday, we had a BUSY weekend! My best friend from Ohio flew in and then the 2 of us went and picked up are other friend who is stationed in Groton at the Navy base. Anyways, it was a great weekend. I really needed to see someone from Ohio.

Last night Joey started getting sick. Running a fever, and cranky. Gave him some tylenol and put him to bed. He woke up a 2:30 crying and still had a fever. More tylenol. Woke up this morning still with a 102 fever and crying. I called his doctor and he told me to go ahead and take him to the ER. After bloodwork, labs, ect, it came up that Joey has a bad UTI. So now he's on antibodics and still feeling crumy but seems like he's doing a little better.

On the way home from the hospital, I called my OB to see if they could get me in sooner than my appointment next week or make me an appointment with someone to talk to about my miscarrage. I can't sleep very well at night and I've been crying whenever something reminds me of my baby. Needless to say, I'm a wreck! I also asked if they got the pathology results back from why my little baby didn't survive. The results are in and the receptionist said someone would call me. Well, it's 6:41 and no one called! I'm not too happy about that.

Geez, I can't wait till I can go to bed and hopefully tomorrow Joey will feel better and maybe I'll get some answers about my little baby.

How do I grieve?

I've never really had many people to grieve passing away. My grandma and my dad's best friend are the only 2 people close to me that have passed away. Losing your own child doesn't compare to anything I've ever felt before.

Today, I tried getting my life back to normal since my mother is back home and I'm back to taking care of Joey by myself. We did our normal daily activities, but I kept finding my mind drifting from one subject to another. I still can't concentrate. It's like I suddenly have ADD or something.

So, Joey and I went out this morning to BJ's Wholesale Club to get diapers and other things we need in bulk. I walked around the store in a haze. I also bought Pirates of the Caribbean 2. We came home and I put the movie in. I couldn't even sit down to watch it during Joey's nap. I could barley watch my favorite soap opera. I couldn't do housework. My mind can't stay on one subject.

My appetite keeps coming and going. I'm only wanting to eat junk food, nothing healthy. I want to sleep all the time.

I know my hormones are extremely off whack and I'm sure that's the reason behind this. Writing this, I keep thinking of other things to write, but they make no sense. I'm trying so hard to cope, but it's so hard. I know it's affecting my husband and Joey too, I'm trying to stay strong for them, but it's hard. I know I need time to grieve, but it's so hard.

Still lost...

The past couple days have gone by easier than what I expected them to. I still feel lost at times. I've been losing my train of thought and can't focus on what I'm doing. My mind just keeps wandering.

I was looking so forward to having a baby in July. My two best girlfriends are both pregnant and the three of us were all due in the first two weeks of July. Now it's just the two of them pregnant. I was so excited for us to have our babies around the same couple of weeks. Now we're not. That makes it even harder for me.

I know it's been a lot easier on me since I was only 7 weeks pregnant. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts. It hurts a lot, in fact it hurts like hell knowing that I lost a baby, but it would have hurt a lot more if I would have been showing and felt the baby move.

I'm so grateful that my mom was able to fly up here to be with me. I was so scared to go to the hospital without my mom. Thank God, she was able to catch the first flight out Tuesday morning in time to go to the hospital with me. She's been a huge help with Joey so I've been able to take it easy and not do all that much. I've even been spoiled with a couple of my favorite meals that she fixes! What would I do without my mother?!

Today we even went out for lunch and then to the mall and went shopping for a little bit. We found a couple cute outfits for Joey and even a Christmas gift for my husband! It felt good to get out and try to get my life back to normal.

Thank You!

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers over the past couple days. Just knowing I have people out their praying for us really has helped to get through this. My mother flew in from Ohio and that has also helped tremendously. There's nothing better than having your own mom to comfort you, no matter how old you are. I'm doing a lot better than what I thought I would be doing. I still feel lost, but I'm sure that it will take a long time to heal mentally from something like a miscarriage. I know part of me will never heal, but knowing that my little baby is up in heaven, helps. Thank you again for everyone's thoughts and prayers.

But the good news is, that my doctor said that we only have to wait 2 months before I can get pregnant again, so keep your fingers crossed that we'll be expecting again very soon!

This is probably the most difficult and painful post I've ever had to write. I'm miscarrying my baby. I feel so lost. I can't even think straight. I don't know what to do or say. I've never felt so lost in my life. I know God has other plans for my little baby, I just don't understand. Why me? Why did God have to pick my baby? Hopefully my baby will become Joey's guardian angel and watch after him as he grow up. But I just still don't understand. I will be taking a couple days away from posting on my blog, but please pray for me, Patrick, Joey and my little baby.